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About Varied / Hobbyist Member Dawnald D.Female/Canada Groups :iconavengersliterature: AvengersLiterature
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BlackSpiralDancer1's Profile Picture
Dawnald D.
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
I'm a Royal Vampire Princess Timelord druggie alcoholic alien that has a fetish for tractors and men, and I have a secret Jewish boyfriend AND my drug dealer is a ghost... apparently. :p
lolz Nah; actually I'm just a random person in the universe that strongly believes in "to thine own self be true". You never know what to expect from me!
I like to draw, but my true passion is in writing! :D I also like to make videos!!!!

Brother: :iconcorvo-attano-117:
Incoming: Personal rant shit.

Firstly, I dunno what I expect to get out of this; probably nothing which is fine... I dunno; I guess I just feel like I gotta get this out there, and if anyone has any feedback or wants to discuss, go for it...

So back in... Late January/ early February I guess, just for the lolz, I signed up on Plenty of Fish, a dating website. I wanted to see if anything could become of that. For a while there, I was talking to this one dude that seemed pretty nice, but then he seemed to pounce on me too much; like I was a prize he had to snatch up before someone else did. He and I haven't talked since around mid-February, and that's fine. However, during the time he and I were talking, I had seen more and more people I had been in school with in grade 11 and 12 (for new comers that may be reading this, a brief account of my schooling history: Grade 1-4 homeschooling; Grade 5-6 local elementary school; Grade 7 local high school; Grade 8 homeschooling (again); skipped grade 9; Grade 10 back to local high school; summer after moved a couple provinces over and did Grade 11 and a little over a month into Grade 12 at the local high school of the place we moved to; rest of Grade 12 my family moved to the next town over and I had to switch schools... I coulda just mentioned the Grade 11+ 12 stuff BUT I didn't. Haha.) So I was seeing these familiar guys on there. However, I didn't bother talking to them because they had never so much as spoke to me (willingly) in school, so why bother with that? But THEN, whilst looking to see who had viewed my profile, I saw this one guy that I had been in Grade 11 (and a fraction of 12) with. I figured "Eh, why the Hell not try to talk to him?" So I messaged him, and we held a pretty decent conversation. I waited a couple days and messaged him again. We talked for longer, and every two or three days, one or the other would start up a conversation. We then made plans for him to come over and we would hang out and "listen to 80s rock together" (My idea btw; we were both STOKED that we had found people within our own age ranges that liked the same kind of music!) So he came over that Saturday, and we just sat on my bed, listened to music, talked and occasionally "held hands" or dog-piled/snuggled. Pillow fights also happened. XD It was fucking fun! We got along swimmingly and although we were/are both incredibly awkward, we were able to have fun and relax. (Also, just before he walked out the door, we did a quick little lip kiss *squee!*)
So since then, he and I have talked quite a bit, and he's come over every weekend since then (except for last). We snuggle, and kiss (or snog as my mom puts it) and just... It is really grand! We're not officially together; I think we're still in the testing phase, and it seems like an actual, decent, healthy thing we have going on here! However...
When he left the first time, I immediately felt like even though things had went (and are going) great, something wasn't there. Something in me. And I feel horrible about it.
I don't want to compare to past relationships and "relationships" I've had in the past because they all turned out so horribly... But with people of my past, I had felt like there was something immediately there; like a really special connection I couldn't put to words. I don't feel it here. I mean, I'm still going to put effort towards this because maybe its a connection that can be built. However, I feel bad; like I'm cheating him on something good. He is a WONDERFUL, sweet guy; accepting and fun. I really wish that connection was there; I hope more so that it can be built. He did strike a shit-ton of anxiety into me a couple weekends back though. Not only did I find out that I am apparently the first... I guess the way to put it would be romantic encounter that he's ever had, which is cute, but then he had said "I love you" to me... Obviously I said it back, but then I realized how empty my words actually were. Yes I like him, and love him as a person, but not romantically. It scared me of how quickly he had said it to me; he didn't have a clear memory apparently if he and I had gone to school together, so he never had a crush on me then; he hardly noticed me, and we had never spoken. We've been talking for a bit over a month now; actively acknowledging each others' existence, and he said those words this quickly. (Yes, I am aware I may be reading into this too much but will that stop me from thinking about it? NOPE!) And when I think about it; back of my first relationships and such, I recall quickly having those feelings. But now I've matured a lot more romantically, sexually, relationshipwise... In a lot of ways I have grown! Maybe he does actually love me, or maybe it is like... Puppy-love or some sort of equivalent. And that's fine, and adorable either way, but it does make me feel bad. Because in any of those ways he might have meant it, I don't feel the same. If anything I kind of feel like we're simply just cuddle-buddies, and again; that's fine! I just... Hmm. I dunno...
Not meaning to be cruel, or to blow my own horn or anything, but in all honesty, I think the main reason I keep feeding this thing, is not only in hopes that perhaps my feelings will grow, but so that he can have a good first experience. 'Cuz I'm gonna be honest, I am a fantasmicgorical girlfriend. Maybe not perfect; definitely not a perfect human, but I am probably one of the best girlfriends a person could have. For some people that is; definitely not for all, but in the least a decent one. I'm non-abusive, I'm trusting, I'm loyal, I'm caring; I always give 310%. I try to be open and clear, and definitely encourage the other to do the same. I trust myself to be able to teach him to know about good and healthy relationships; I don't ever want him to be in a bad and unhealthy relationship... He deserves so SO much better than that. No, I'm not taking this as a teaching opportunity (not entirely); I am taking this as a romantic opportunity that could grow into something more. Besides, trying to help him learn more about good relationships is the least that I can do; he within our first visit had already gotten me to learn more about myself, and has helped me learn how to better myself. We definitely seem to function very well together.

On a related note, something else that has been bothering me. And I dunno if it means anything past me and my brain/inner people being a doof or not (probably!) but I have been missing the people of my past greatly. My Stag, my Raven, and my First Love namely. For the most part, Stag and Raven have been consuming my mind the most. And I have no frickin' idea why!! Just out of the blue BAM!! they're there. My heart yearns for them; with Raven, my heart yearns for her 50% romantically and the other 50% of our friendship bond we used to have. For Stag, it's a 100% TAKE ME INTO YOUR ARMS, KISS ME, AND WE CAN RUN AWAY AND RAISE COWS TOGETHER!!!!!!! Even though I should know better by now; I should be very well moved on at this point. They were both so toxic for me, and controlling in some senses. The majority of my persons are moved on, but parts of them are yearning for them still. This has been for the last couple weeks, and I really don't appreciate it. I just want to move on with my life, and I was doing that well! Why is it now that these two beings (sometimes 3) have been plaguing my mind? My dreams even!

I don't know what to make of it... I mean, with these three, I had felt that special connection I couldn't put to words, but look how THAT turned out. Each of them were incredibly different from one another, but that was the one thing they had in common. That special, indescribable connection. I'm wondering if perhaps this is the new "type" I should try out; the no-immediate-connection type. I suppose we will see, but... Man. I feel bad. And I'm really glad we're not officially together; I'd feel a lot worse about this all.
As well, I am NOT entering an official relationship status until I am certain; my rule is that I have to be single for at least a year after exiting a relationship as to truly clear my system of the last one... Which isn't much of a problem considering I don't exactly have people knocking my door down to date me, but it really REALLY feels limiting regardless! XD Not a bad thing in this case though...
Anyway, I'm just rambling now. So many fears... So much guilt... All without a solid reason. PFFT!





  • Mood: Anxious
  • Listening to: Heartbeats - Grimes

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zaameen Featured By Owner 20 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the watch :hug:
Have a watch back :heart:
BlackSpiralDancer1 Featured By Owner 18 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :manhug:
I thank you as well!!
TEAofeyes Featured By Owner 20 hours ago  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for faving my illustration  !  (:  Pixel Rose   Hug 2  Pixel Rose
BlackSpiralDancer1 Featured By Owner 18 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome!
Crystal-Luna Featured By Owner 23 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the fave on Cursed Rose!
BlackSpiralDancer1 Featured By Owner 22 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
You're most welcome! Keep up the awesome work!!
Crystal-Luna Featured By Owner 22 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Kannibalismus Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the watch
and all the faves!
It means a lot~
BlackSpiralDancer1 Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
You're most welcome! Keep up the awesome work!
Thank YOU for the llama!
Kannibalismus Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
of course!
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